Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because men are pigs.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.
Why did God create men?
Because a vibrator can’t mown the lawn.
What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About forty-five minutes.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
How do you know when your wife is a lousy cook?
She uses the smoke detector as a timer.
What’s the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don’t bitch after they cut the yard.
Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
He was arrested for skyjacking!
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How are men like vacations?
They never seem to be long enough!