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Yes, you are probably spending
a great deal of money on this wedding, but it is still your daughter's wedding.
A good way to approach this is to sit down with your daughter in the beginning
and volunteer to help (notice - it says help and not "take over.") Let her ask
for your advice and, when she does, give her the advice she asks for rather than
using it as an opportunity to tell her how to do everything else as well. She
and her fiancé should pick the cake, the flowers, the music, the venue and the
minister - together. If they ask for your opinion, then freely give it. If they
choose not to follow your advice, let that by o.k. and don't let your feelings
be hurt.
Some stories from my own
experience may help clarify what I mean.
Arriving a few minutes early as
is my pattern, I checked the ceremony site, tested the microphone and generally
got my bearings. I looked up to see the mother of the bride in a bright-colored,
form fitting, spaghetti strapped dress going up and down the aisle as if to say,
"Look at me. Look at me." I then went to check on the bride who, as usual, was
hidden away in a dressing room. Just a few moments before it was time to go out,
the mother came in with a bouquet (the bride was already holding a beautiful
bouquet of spring flowers). The mother handed her the very formal bouquet and
announced, "You will use this bouquet because I paid $50 for it" and she
promptly left the room. The bride, with tears brimming, said to her maid of
honor, "I won't allow her to ruin my wedding and the bouquet isn't what's
important here." She picked up mom's bouquet and proceeded to the place for the
processional. It was a beautiful ceremony that could have been an emotional
disaster had the daughter not have reacted in such a mature way.
At another wedding, the mother
of the bride pitched a totally tizzy fit when her former husband came in with
his new wife. In front of all the guests, she screamed, "You can't sit here (on
the front row) and made her go to the back row. The father, who was totally
embarrassed - as were many of the guests - went back to get his daughter to walk
in for the processional. The bride, who had heard it all, was in tears and they
had to wait while she regained her composure. Now I ask the couple if either of
them have parents who have divorced and remarried and if there is conflict. The
seating is worked out well in advance to avoid such a dilemma. I'm sure that the
memory of that incident will remain strong in the bride's mind for years to
come.
One mother of the bride read the ceremony that the couple and I had designed and
insisted that it be changed to the traditional wedding ceremony. The bride, not
wishing to have a confrontation, yielded to the mother and I'm sure she will
always wish she could have the beautiful ceremony that had been designed just
for them.
There are many, many stories to illustrate the point. But the important point is
that the mother of the bride is a very important person in her daughter's life
and in her wedding. Planning a wedding is a time that mother and daughter can
build delightful memories that last a lifetime or a time that damages their
relationship. It can be a time of wonderful sharing, planning, shopping and
laughing - or not. Mom, it's up to you.
About the Author:
Irene Conlan is an ordained, non-denominational minister in Scottsdaale, AZ and
the Phoenix metropolitan area. She delights in designing unique, custom weddings
that are personal and spectacular for each couple.
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