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So, many mornings, in addition to three breakfasts, three lunches to pack,
numerous temper tantrums as shoes or clothes didn't fit right, someone's
homework to find, she was also packing a pretty hefty load of anger and
frustration.
THE EXTRA WEIGHT OF
RESENTMENT
She is making things harder for herself than they need to be, and with three
young kids, she certainly doesn't need to be doing that! There are times he does
help on his own, and when he is asked he will help. In fact, it seems like the
only reason he doesn't help at certain times is because, rather than ask, she'd
rather scream, bitch or sulk. In my years of coaching women, I've seen a common
issue: the belief or attitude that: "if he (boyfriend/husband) were really a
(good/loving/thoughtful/aware/ mature - insert your favorite one here) man, I
wouldn't have to ask!" This attitude causes a lot of trouble in relationships
between men and women. Let me give it to you straight and simple:
You have to ask. Men need to know what we want. They can't read our minds. They
want to know what the right path is to success, so that they don't risk failure
(a very bad thing for a man to experience).
Think of it this way: I'm guessing you probably don't need to think twice about
taking out a map when you're driving somewhere you don't know how to get to.
Well, this is just like that for men...they need the map. I know, you're
probably saying "but this is the same thing all the time - can't I just tell him
once and then it's DONE?" That brings us to the next point about men. MEN'S
MONOTRACKING MINDS
It is a well-documented fact that men's and women's brains function differently.
Men are "mono-tracking", as compared to us being "multi-tracking". So, even
though you're fuming at his seeming disregard for the most obvious chaos going
on around him (and your crystal-clear need for his help - which ANYONE alive
would see!), I will bet you that he isn't even aware of it. He's off in another
world, solving this or that problem in his head. You'll be much happier if you
just give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he wants to help, and just ask.
DODGING INTIMACY
The other thing that doesn't work for Eleanor is the fact that she's choosing to
suffer and feel bitchy, rather than ask for help. Could it be that there is some
part of her that feels more comfortable being resentful and/or bitchy?
I've certainly seen plenty of women over the years that have felt so resistant
to intimacy and vulnerability (most often not very consciously) that things get
set up in a relationship to keep the distance (which resentment certainly
provides!).
If that is going on for you, please figure out how to stop that habit - quickly.
Whatever pain from our past causes this behavior, we have more productive ways
to get what we really need than to drive a wedge between us and our men. IN
CONCLUSION
We all want to feel loved, accepted, and respected in our relationships. It's
important to remember that men really are different, and need to be asked for
what we want from them (respectfully, of course) rather than our expecting them
to "know" what we need. When we do that, we can trust that the way we are
relating with each other allows us to feel valued for exactly who we are. And
isn't that a whole lot better than bitching?
About the Author: Karen Jones is the founder of The Heart Matters
- since 1997, a relationship coaching and seminar company that's been
successfully helping women have the relationship they've always dreamed of. To
learn how Karen can help you find the right man, please visit her website:
www.TheHeartMatters.com and receive the complimentary monthly newsletter, "Ask
the Coach"
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